RUINS OF CHILDHOOD is an excavation and recontextualisation of Tim’s 20th Century.
Not a day in the 80s went by without tuning in to some robot in disguise, highly trained special mission force or other person’s Little Pony. And while their adventures broadcast throughout my childhood, there was also the occasional series that aired once, then disappeared. And while those programs may not have earned the reverence of an Inspector Gadget, they were still fairly accurate time capsules of the decade. So what follows are ten cartoons that played perfectly in the 1980s … but only for a season.
10) DROIDS (1985)
Star Wars pretty much established the template for ‘80s entertainment. As a mix of sci fi and fantasy that could also be rendered on t-shirts and toiletries, it seemed inevitable that it would wind up on Saturday mornings. Somehow it managed to find that single, brief window when Star War was waning and, what should have been the most remembered half hour of the 80s, took a backseat to post natal Muppets.
09) JAYCE AND THE WHEELED WARRIORS (1985)
Toy-lines were the driving concept behind most animated series and Wheeled Warriors was one that failed to drive sales. The show tried to jumpstart its concept by adding a Luke Skywalker, a Han Solo and a giant floating fish. Their now epic clash against bio-mechanic nightmares called “Monster Minds. was rendered in eye-catching visuals reminiscent of French comic artist Jean Giraud Moebius. While the feature length finale never materialized, it can at least be remembered as some of the earliest storytelling from Babylon 5’s J Michael Straczynski.
08) LAZER TAG ACADEMY (1986)
Lazer Tag appeared on kid’s wish lists from Fall ‘86 until later that same Fall. Consisting of a Sci-Fi pistol and corresponding target it rode the same infrared trend that spawned forgotten toy-lines CAPTAIN POWER, BRAVESTAR and PHOTON. For a brief moment, Lazer Tag stadiums popped up through out the country (just not at the Chuck E Cheese knock off near me) so it made sense to reflect that with a kid-fronted series. But as its popularity quickly blinked out, the show achieved simliar obscurity.
07) INHUMANOIDS (1986)
It was Earth Day unchecked as sentient redwoods battled Chuthulu following Yogi’s Treasure Hunt. The ecological message was pretty easy to miss, what with the shriveling corpses, flesh-flayed skeletons and drooling Cyclopean thing that ate its siblings as they hatched (yeah, I think that happened). The show embraced the gross-out fascination of Garbage Pail Kids as well as serving as a primer for any future Kaju fascination. But kids got turned off when it tipped to the tentacle Hentai of Tendril, D’Compose and, again, the Cyclopean thing that ate a whole batch of babies.
06) THE COMPLETELY MENTAL MISADVENTURES OF ED GRIMLEY (1988)
Comedy in the ‘80s could have been even more POLICE ACADEMY if not for the graduated players of SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE and SCTV. And while we were getting SPLASH and STRANGE BREW on the big screen, Martin Short was spinning one of his characters for the Saturday Morning set. And he brought along a cast of such legends as Catherine O’Hara, Andrea Martin and, reprising his horror host Count Floyd, Joe Flattery. But their antics never earned a second go around, perhaps from being a little too GHOSTBUSTERS and not enough GHOSTBUSTERS 2.
05) BIGFOOT AND THE MUSCLE MACHINES (1985)
Fortunately the unfortunate Dukes Of Hazard cartoon ran for 2 seasons making it ineligible for this list. In its place rides another gang of gas-guzzlers led by Patroits-a-poppin’ good ole’ boy, Yank Justice. Monster trucks and their noxious emissions were quite the draw and this series sought to steer those fans toward an Indiana Jones-lite adventure about the fountain of youth … or something. And while kids loved that fabulous funny car Warlord, they couldn’t care less about it’s driver, Close McCall.
04) MIGHTY ORBOTS (1984)
Gestalts! They were big awesome robots who joined together to make even bigger awesome robots. While Voltron was lion king of this concept there were numerous others including Force Five, Devastator and that other Voltron. So perhaps it was a televised display of critical mass that kept this variation from catching on. Sort of a shame, as it featured higher quality animation as well as character designs by legendary illustrator and Astro Boy director Osamu Dezaki.
03) VISIONARIES: KNIGHTS OF THE MAGICAL LIGHT (1987)
Holograms (possibly based off lasers) were cutting edge technology that someone applied to stickers, Trapper Keepers and half of my Jem cassingle. As images they offered magical renditions of dragons, unicorns and old white men wielding magic. That last one is actually the byline for this show about technology failing and the age of magic that followed. It had wizards and swords and not much diversity and played like a cautionary tale on modern convenience. The toy-line featured holographic decals on each accessory and the resulting price point proved a little high concept. The toys weren’t exactly vanishing from the shelves, but the series managed to disappear after only 13 episodes.
02) RAMBO: THE FORCE OF FREEDOM (1986)
The specter of Vietnam loomed over the 1980s. And there was certainly an opportunity to explore this post trauma in-between your Care Bears and the Cattilac Cats. But instead of an expose on war, this gun show portrayed its damaged namesake as the the ONLY real American hero. While a fairly accurate rendition of Regan-era patriotism, its thinly veiled (and widely xenophobic) depictions of other nations sparked the concerns of television watch-dogs. As a result, we were able to go back to viewing ruthless terrorist organizations as quirky antagonists with comical speech impediments.
01) BEVERLY HILL TEENS (1987)
Fashion, flash, and even more fashion might not have been everyone’s high school experience but, sadly, it was the one a lot of us dreamt about. Imagine driving a hot tub to school or performing in an actual rock band or knowing how polo is played. So many cartoon of the time featured anthropomorphic animals or ancient of days 20 somethings so seeing your actual age bracket spoke almost as directly as that Fruit By The Foot commercial. Surely we would’ve come back for a second season if we could have only afforded the tuition.
I had written an honorable mention for “FONZI AND THE HAPPY DAYS GANG” which found Arthur Fonzarelli and his dog Cool traveling in a time machine but that somehow got two seasons.
About thE author
TIM BLEVINS is a multiple podcaster, left-handed hairstyle and next to last star fighter.
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