RUINS OF CHILDHOOD is an excavation and recontextualisation of Tim’s 20th Century.
“A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away . . .”
We all have our favorite Star Wars, our less favorite Star Wars and a mental arrangement for each episode in between. That criteria might be based on when we saw it, the art design within it or even the toys we got from it. But imagine if all you had to go on was the shared method of narration that opens each film. How do the nine chapters in the Skywalker saga rank when based solely off each film’s opening crawl?
09) THE PHANTOM MENACE
“Turmoil has engulfed the galactic republic.”
Clearly, the status quo has been upended. A Galactic Republic must be a sweeping union of planets so this turmoil would put a multitude of populations into massive peril. What follows could be world hopping dogfights between various alien cultures and their sci-fi technology.
Or it could be glorified C-Span. As the next sentence reveals, the “taxation of trade routes is blah-blah-blah.” Its reads like an Arron Sorkin space-walk and space-talk between two barely toyetic congressmen. And its two paragraphs of that before we even hit a word that’s made up.
And that world-building term, “Jedi Knight,” actually falls flat in its usage. Being simply “dispatched” over a verbal dispute reduces their mystical gravitas to more lunch room monitor mystique. It all reads like the back cover of a sterile text book, which is shocking, given both “Wars” and “Menace” are still visible in all-caps.
08) ATTACK OF THE CLONES
“There is unrest in the galactic senate.”
Unrest anywhere ELSE in the galaxy would promise exotic locales and fascinating life forms. But in a congressional setting it just conjures up the Jimmy Stewart stutter of Mr. Sith Goes To Coruscant. At least there’s larger implications than delayed shipping woes.
A Separatist movement seeks to break with the Republic and its being masterminded by the regally renowned Count … Dooku. Now … a count … can be cool… probably. Might wear a cape … we always want to see capes. But “Dooku?” Was the “Count Of Mon Calamari” too subtle?
Getting past that nickname from summer camp, this crawl DOES pose an ethical quandary. With the galaxy divided the Jedi are being stretched thin between worlds. So, in the face of an escalating conflict, there’s a proposal to form an Army Of The Republic Yes, this means presenting a ballot and however it is a bill becomes a law but threaded in that debate are some possibly subtle and potentially dangerous consequences.
07) A NEW HOPE
“It is a period of civil war.”
Wait… what? Is this the wrong paragraph? The original Star Wars all the way back at… 7th place? I’m checking my notes here because I ALSO question that validity. I mean, that Blockade Runner being dwarfed by a Star Destroyer is only three paragraphs away. These opening words can’t just be a visual novelty… can they?
Dubbing this a “period” of civil war assures that the galaxy will eventually move beyond it. True, this is a tale from “a long time ago,” but this crawl’s opening sentence reads too much like an exhibit caption. Any immediacy of drama is thwarted by its rather passive word choice
We do get Princess Leia on the run from “sinister forces.” But they’re after her to retrieve plans that were stolen during a recent Rebel victory. The fact that her Rebellion starts out winning puts them on seemingly equal footing with this Empire. That doesn’t lessen their heroics but it does fail to establish any scruffy Nerf-herding charm.
06) THE FORCE AWAKENS
“Luke Skywalker has vanished. ”
Hey its a mystery. People love a mystery (and more than a mystery box so maybe ignore that screenwriting credits). This one opening with a cracked open case. And it involves a name with no ties to interstellar government so I’m totally up for it.
Seems the First Order has risen to disrupt peace in the galaxy. General Leia Organa has formed a resistance in hopes of combatting the First Order and maintaining the New Republic. Both sides are out to find Skywalker and, following a recent lead, head to the distant planet of Jakku in hopes of locating him.
The narration succeeds in putting us right in the middle of an adventure. Even if we are unfamiliar with the names we know there’s a mystery in progress with some consequence. The First Order may not be as encompassing as the Galactic Empire but they still seem like a legitimate threat. Overall there’s enough tension to provoke our interest, just not enough for the odds to feel epic.
05) RETURN OF THE JEDI
“Luke Skywalker has returned to his home planet of Tatooine in an attempt to recuse his friend Han Solo from the clutches of the vile gangster, Jabba The Hutt”
Its not often the voice in my head needs to take an actual breath. That awkward opener is a run on of two to three too many specifics that mange to utilize the same lack off punctuation as a Zizek essay on object representation in commercial medium. But, given that sentence I just gave you,who am I to type about THAT?
Still, it sort of buries the lead as the Empire is apparently= constructing a NEWER Death Star that will be an even MORE ultimate power in the galaxy. It’s not finished but it will be a planet sized battle station so… probably a reasonable threat to a whole planet of heroes.
The focus of this crawl is just a rescue mission. That whole galaxy encompassing conflict that allowed a shrouded puppet master to wrestle democracy from a massive governing body through a long game of trickery and war mongering sort off takes a back seat to a single friend in need. Sure, Han Solo deserves to be rescued, its just not as colossally cosmic as other entries on this list.
04) REVENGE OF THE SITH
“War!”
Its half the titular line! And the more exciting half! This single word exclamation plays like the bombastic narration of a front page news reel. And it drops us right into the mindset of a battle far more massive than any conflict we would have previously conceived.
Morality is a gray area as there are heroes on both sides of the battle. The heart of the Republic has just been attacked and General Grievous of the separatist army has kidnapped the Chancellor. But as this Droid General flees he is pursued by two Jedi Knights intent on rescuing the captive.
This is a pretty awesome set-up. Clearly we are in the middle of an already heated story that can easily be summed up as… well… war with an exclamation point. More than any other opening in the franchise it really feels like the follow-up to a “To Be Continued” cliffhanger. And that “episodic nature” is the only thing keeping this out of the top 3 as it feels like a chapter but not necessarily a full blown film.
03) RISE OF SKYWALKER
“The dead speak! ”
Generally you don’t see that type of horror-show theatric in your fun for the family space opera. In fact, it is so out of place from what we expect that, with no prior context, we can’t help but dive into the next sentence.
What we find is just as unsettling. A mysterious broadcast has been heard throughout the galaxy from the disembodied voice of the deceased Emperor. Uncertain what it means, General Leia has dispatched Resistance agents to try and gather any intelligence on its source. The villainous First Order is just as concerned as Kylo Ren frantically searches for this same perceived threat.
Neither side of the narrative knows where this transmission is coming from, potentially setting up an antagonist to both sides. It is a truly unexpected introduction that disrupts any anticipation of what is to follow, leaving us uneasy and a bit upended. That’s an amazing way to start a cinematic experience but requires a little recovery to continue as a Star Wars movie.
02) THE LAST JEDI
“The First Order reigns.”
If there was any question toward how formidable the First Order was, that sentence answers it. Just calling yourself the First Order seemed malicious enough so the fact they now “reign” means they’ve overthrown all major opposition with their authoritarian intent.
Specifically it was the destruction of the Republic that gained them control. General Leia believes if she could locate the (still) missing Luke Skywalker she could encourage other solar systems to join her in standing up to the First Order. Unfortunately Supreme Leader Snoke has located her secret base and sent a massive fleet to crush the Resistance before it can spread. -Oof.-
This a pretty bleak prelude saved only by our knowledge that a three act structure needs to follow. But there’s no real hint toward what that will entail as the narrative thrust seems soley to evacuate before the unbeatable enemy arrives. How are they going to get out of this one folks?
01) THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
“It is a dark time for the rebellion.”
We’ve had turmoil. We’ve had civil war. We’ve had the imminent rise of totalitarianism. But what separates this from the other eight openings is how it doesn’t mince words. Front, center and with no other way to interpret it our heroes are in deep poo-doo.
Since having their planet sized battle station destroyed, the evil Empire has really doubled down. They have driven the Rebellion from their secret base and are now fragmenting them across the galaxy. Looking to hide out for who-knows-how-long Luke Skywalker has helped establish a temporary base on Hoth. Unfortunately the villainous Darth Vader has become “obsessed” with Luke sending out thousands of probe droids to find him. Thousands of probe droids. Just one guy.
So what’s Vader’s deal here? The seemingly robotic killing machine with the calculated steps is capable of being obsessed? With a farm boy? Sure, a farm boy who blew up a planet sized doomsday device but, come on, Vader’s cooler than that.. right? Shouldn't he be able to take it in stride?
What we’re getting is confirmation that this is Luke and Vader’s story. Not a fun rescue mission or a rallying cry for troops, rather this is the age old mythic conflict of good verses evil. And that evil has emotional stakes in the battle. We don’t know why. We’re fearful why. And more than any plot point in any other crawl, we want to find out.
Obviously each of these movies are more than the receding text of their opening. Every episode has its share of memorable characters and cinematic spectacle so any attempt to rank them is based solely on personal preference. That said, anyone know how to photoshop a quick recap onto EWOKS BATTLE FOR ENDOR? Just wanted it to make the list.
About thE author
TIM BLEVINS is a multiple podcaster, left-handed hairstyle and next to last star fighter.
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